April 28: Compartmentalizing

Recently I was talking with a friend about how she is coping with some stressful life events and she replied, “Honestly, some of the time I’ve just been compartmentalizing. Don’t judge me!” We chuckled and then continued to talk about everything that has been happening in her life. As part of our conversation, I reassured her that compartmentalization can be a healthy coping mechanism.

All humans need to develop a variety of resources for coping with challenging life circumstances. While it’s true that speaking about difficult situations and putting feelings into words are important emotional skills, sometimes individuals may benefit from intentionally stepping away from thinking or talking about their stress for a period of time. When people compartmentalize, they are giving themselves a break from thinking about a stressful topic and allowing themselves time to re-set.

It’s important to note that compartmentalization is different than denial. The type of compartmentalization I’m describing involves a deliberate process in which an individual consciously decides not to think about a stressful event for a period of time in order create space for respite and relief with the intention of returning to the process of managing the challenging situation once some time has passed. In contrast, denial involves actively refusing to acknowledge a difficult situation (eg, “I’m just going to pretend that didn’t happen,” or, “I’m just not going to think about it.”)

A couple of examples of times that compartmentalization could be a useful strategy:

• If your teenager fails their driving test on Thursday and is participating in an important event at school (performing in a play, competing in a game) on Friday, an adaptive plan may be to focus on the important event, try not to think too much about the driving test, then re-group at the end of the weekend and make a plan about re-taking the test. This strategy may not feel right for everyone, but for some teens it might be very effective.

• You have a big presentation at work on Wednesday and on Tuesday evening you find out that your tween broke a family rule about screen time. Rather than talking with your child on Tuesday evening as soon as you receive the news, you realize that you (a) want to be directing your energy towards polishing the presentation and (b) are already feeling tense so might not show up as your most patient self if you were to talk under these circumstances. In this situation, compartmentalizing might look like deciding not to think about the situation with your tween right now and instead telling yourself that you will talk with your child after school and work on Wednesday once your presentation is complete. 

  
  

Keep in mind that most tweens and teens will bristle against the idea of a parent trying to directly teach them about this type of coping strategy. Instead, an effective way for parents to teach children about the skill of compartmentalizing is through modeling. For example:

• “You broke a family rule and it’s important that we talk about it. I’m feeling tense about work this evening so I’m not in the best frame of mind to talk about this tonight. Let’s put a pin in it and talk after school tomorrow.”

• “Ugh – I have so many things on my plate right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need to make a list of priorities and try to think about just one thing at a time.”

  
  

Ideally, we want children and adults to be able to access a variety of different coping tools for managing stressful life events. Sometimes that looks like processing through talking or journaling about a difficult situation, listening to music, getting some fresh air or exercise, or engaging in a favorite calming activity. Sometimes, compartmentalizing by taking a break and then returning to a hard conversation or situation provides some time and space for everyone involved to re-group, re-focus, and see things from a fresh perspective.