March 18: Modeling Emotional Regulation

A couple of weeks ago I led a workshop about values-based parenting for a group of caregivers with children ranging in age from preschool through young adulthood. We had an extensive conversation about a broad range of topics, and one of the questions a parent asked has stayed with me. She noted that there are times that she is faced with a situation in life (such a being cut off by another driver) or something that she hears in the news that causes her distress. Her impression was that she is supposed to stay calm and neutral in these moments rather than showing her children that she is upset. Essentially, she explained that she was not sure if it was ok to share her distress about the broader world with her children.

My first thought in responding to this question is to acknowledge that all human beings experience a broad range of emotions and to highlight the fact that one of the important ways that children learn about regulating their emotions is through observing their parents. During childhood and adolescence, we want to support children in developing a range of skills related to social and emotional development including the ability to identify one’s feelings, communicate about them verbally, and develop adaptive emotion regulation strategies. Offering your child a window into how you process and manage emotions provides them with significant information. They learn that everyone experiences many different types of feelings, some of which are comfortable and some which may be quite uncomfortable. In addition, they learn that managing emotions, talking about them, and working on emotional regulation are all skills that are valued in your family.

Generally, children are so attuned to their parent’s reactions that they are aware, at least on some level, when parents are feeling tension or distress. Parents can therefore offer a powerful model of emotion management and regulation, such as by using words to describe their own feelings or by talking aloud about the strategies they are using to manage challenging emotions. For example:

• “Ugh I can’t believe that driver cut me off. That’s rude and it makes me mad. I’m going to turn on some music so I can sing along to a good song instead of thinking about that driver.”

• “There are a lot of upsetting things happening in the world. I think I’m spending too much time doomscrolling on my phone and it’s making me cranky and worried. I’m going to stay off social media after dinner, so I’m not so stressed in the evening.”

  
  

When caregivers share information with children about managing challenging emotions, it’s important to consider a child’s age, temperament, and developmental stage in order to determine which information to share and how to share it. For example, a parent who is having a strong reaction to something they saw in the news might say to a young child: “I’m feeling sad about something that I read. My feelings aren’t because of anything that you said or did. Let’s go play outside. Being in the fresh air will help me feel better.” Whereas the parent of a tween or teen may feel more comfortable discussing the news in question, talking more specifically about why they found the news upsetting, and then modeling using an adaptive strategy (eg, going for a run, calling a friend) to help regulate their emotions.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that caregivers need to share information with children every time they feel stressed or upset. There are many good reasons for parents to decide that certain content is neither appropriate nor helpful to share with children. For example, if a parent is stressed about something happening at work or about someone in the family who has a health scare, they most likely don’t need to share the details of the situation with their children even if the parent is upset. This may be the time for a more general comment such as, “I know I’ve been stressed the past couple of days. It’s not about anything related to you. I’m going to try to get to bed a little early tonight because that will help me manage my stress.”

Finally, it’s helpful to hold in mind that emotion regulation is a skill that many people continue to work on over the course of a lifetime and that nobody is going to have a perfectly regulated response 100% of the time. I often say to parents in my practice that it’s important to acknowledge that it may feel easy to talk about regulating emotions as part of a conversation between two calm adults. It’s quite a different challenge to talk about and regulate emotions when you are in the moment with your child. If you find yourself wishing you had responded differently to a tricky situation, please try to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would offer a friend. In addition, remember that you can always go back and talk about a situation after the fact, offer an explanation, and share with your child ways that you will try to manage things differently the next time.