April 28: Supporting Children in the Face of Tragedy

Last week, the town where I live and work, Concord, Massachusetts, was faced with a devastating tragedy when four seniors from our local high school were in a fatal car accident in which three teenagers died. It feels almost impossible to write these words. People who live and work in our town have heavy hearts right now, and many feel truly heartbroken about this senseless and unfathomable tragedy. In the midst of my own personal sorrow, I decided to write a newsletter with some general guidance regarding how parents can support a grieving adolescent.

Children will have a range of different reactions to this news. While their responses may be impacted by whether or not they knew the students involved in the accident directly, in the age of social media it is certainly possible that a teenager could feel deeply immersed in feelings about this tragedy without having a personal relationship with the people who died. For some children, this may be their first experience with death. For many children and adults, it may be the first time they have faced the heartrending death of someone who was in the prime of life.

One fundamental message for caregivers to communicate to adolescents about this situation is that it is expected that in the face of senseless tragedy, people will experience a wide range of emotions. There is no single correct way to feel, and it makes sense that people who are grieving or processing a tragedy may experience many different emotions including deep pain, sadness, anger, confusion, or guilt. In addition, it is also expected that people who are living in the world, even when they are processing and trying to understand a horrifying situation, will have moments of joy, laughter, and deep connection. Essentially, we want to help children understand that they may experience wide range of emotions in the coming days and that all of this, while confusing and painful, is an expected part of reacting to a tragedy.

In talking with adolescents about this tragedy, it will also be useful for caregivers to remind them that every person will be processing the events in their own unique way and at their own personal pace. Grieving takes time and every person’s timeline for processing grief will be different. Many teenagers may crave spending time with their friends and processing their emotions together. However, close friends may find themselves faced with a moment when one friend is angry and another friend is feeling happy about something completely unrelated to the accident. As much as possible, caring adults can encourage children to give each other grace and try not to judge other people’s feelings and reactions.

Offer your empathy, care, and support freely during this time. You might say something like, “I know how painful this is. I’m here to listen.” Remember that one of the most helpful things caregivers can offer a teenager who is upset is the presence of a kind, compassionate adult who cares about them. If your child wants to talk, focus on listening and perhaps occasionally briefly reflecting back some of what you are hearing. If your child is obviously upset but not talking about their distress directly, offer your calm, caring presence perhaps by simply sitting with them, listening to music together, or sharing a snack or hot beverage. When the time feels right, you can also remind your child about healthy coping strategies that have helped them in the past such as engaging in physical activity, doing art, playing music, cooking, writing in a journal, spending time with friends and family, or listening to a curated playlist.

If your adolescent is asking to be left alone, remind them that two things are true: you want to respect their desire to have time to themselves and you want to be sure that they do not have to sit for too long by themselves with the heaviness of their grief. To that end, let them know that you will be checking in with them periodically. You might say something such as, “I promise I’m not being intentionally annoying. Checking in with you is one way that I’m showing my love and care. If there is a way that I can do this that will be less grating to you, please let me know.”

Adults will have their own individual reactions to this heartbreaking situation. Children will be looking to their caregivers for information regarding how to process a situation that is truly unfathomable. Depending on your child’s temperament, age, and developmental stage, you can certainly talk with your children about your own feelings up to a point. If you have been impacted by this tragedy, I would also encourage you to find another caring adult with whom you can process your thoughts and feelings, perhaps a partner, family member, close friend, or therapist.