January 22: When Your Child Says Something Hurtful

A topic that comes up on a regular basis in my practice is what to do about explosive moments when a child says something extreme such as, “I wish I wasn’t part of this family,” “You’re the worst parent ever,” or “I hate you.” I have written about this before, and today I thought it would be useful to circle back to this topic and suggest some effective ways to manage a moment when a child says something that feels really awful to hear.

Today’s newsletter will mostly focus on strategies for caregivers to manage their own responses in such moments and in a future newsletter I’ll focus more on processing this type of dysregulated behavior with your child.

The first thing I encourage caregivers to do when a child makes a hurtful comment is to pause and take a moment before responding. The goal is to create a moment of space between a child’s hurtful words and a parent’s response. When a child says something that is extreme, targeted, and highly personal, caregivers may find that they have an immediate, primitive response. While understandable, this is likely neither helpful nor productive. Intentionally pausing before reacting to your child’s extreme words can build in a moment to respond from a place that is more rational and considered.

To create some space between your child’s comment and your response, lay your hand gently on your chest and take a couple of slow, deep breaths; squeeze and release your hands a couple of times; rhythmically tap your thighs a few times; or slowly count to ten. Employ whatever strategy works best for you to briefly re-group and re-set. Even if circumstances only allow you to take one deep breath, this provides a useful way to create some distance between your child’s hurtful words and your response.

Once you have taken a moment to re-group, remind yourself that the comment your child just made is not a referendum on your parenting. Rather, it is an expression of emotion blurted out at a time when your child is flooded with big feelings. It might be useful to hold in mind a brief script to repeat to yourself in these moments, for example:

• ‘This is a tough parenting situation. I’m going to do my best.’ 

• ‘My child is really elevated. I’m not going to take it personally.’

• ‘This moment feels bad, but it will pass.’

• ‘My child is overwhelmed. Remember – everyone is safe and there is no emergency.’

When a child says something personal and hurtful, it can be tempting to respond by reprimanding or trying to reason with them. While this is completely understandable, keep in mind that when children are dysregulated, the more primitive parts of the brain have generally taken over, and they are often unable to process language effectively. In fact, for many children, if a parent talks to them when they are upset it may have the paradoxical effect of increasing the child’s level of distress.

When you respond to your child, remember that they were likely using hurtful language as a means of express powerful feelings that they couldn’t put into words. It is certainly appropriate for parents to let their children know when they have crossed a line. In addition, when children say something hurtful or unkind I’d suggest using as few words as possible to both hold a boundary and briefly acknowledging the feeling being expressed. For example:

• “Ouch. That was unkind. Sounds like you’re frustrated.”

• “I hear that you’re upset. What you said was hurtful. Please try again.”

• “That’s rude. I understand that you’re angry, but I won’t speak to you that way and please don’t speak to me that way.”

• “Yikes, I get that you’re unhappy with this situation but that was mean. Let’s try a re-do.”

If your child makes an extreme, hurtful comment, once the moment is over, do your best to put it behind you. Families that work with me often hear me talk about how everything that happens is like a chapter in the life of a family. It’s important to know when to close a chapter and essentially say: that chapter is there, it happened, but now that the experience has been processed, we’re making a choice to focus on the present. This doesn’t mean that the hurtful moment didn’t take place. Rather, it means that you can choose to close the chapter and move on rather than dwelling on a painful experience.