April 17: The Power of "I've Changed My Mind"

Last week I gave a talk about Building Skills for Social and Emotional Well-Being. There was a lively Q&A session at the end of the talk, and one parent asked a question that has stayed with me over the past several days. Essentially, he said (I’m paraphrasing), “What should I do if I set a boundary and then regret it and wish that I could somehow retreat or go back?” This is such a great question, and it describes an experience that I’m sure will be familiar to many caregivers.

There are many reasons why a parent may realize they want to change course in the middle of a stressful interaction with their child. For example, your child may exhibit a much stronger reaction than you expected when you first set the boundary and, once you observe the strength of their reaction, you may realize that you wish you had approached the situation more flexibly. Alternatively, you may recognize that, by setting a particular boundary, you have put in motion a plan that will involve a lengthy reaction from your child and lot of processing afterwards when in fact your family is on a tight schedule and needs to move on to the next event. Finally, many caregivers have had the experience of setting a boundary when their own emotions are heightened and, once they are feeling calmer, realizing that they wish they had handled the situation differently.

Whatever the reason, if you find yourself regretting a boundary or stipulation, it can be so powerful to re-visit the situation by explaining to your child, “I’ve thought about it and I’ve changed my mind,” or “I’ve thought about it more and I’ve realized that this is a situation where I need to be flexible.” Context matters here. If your child has been whining for 10 minutes and you eventually throw up your hands and exclaim in exasperation, “Fine, have it your way, we’ll change the plan,” then the message is that whining was an effective way for your child to effectuate change. This is not what I’m endorsing. Rather, I’m recommending that if you find yourself regretting a boundary you can explain this to your child in a calm manner including clearly indicating that you are making a change because you have given the situation more thought and consideration (not because your child is whining or melting down). For example:

• “I know you were upset when I said we could only read one story tonight. Since you have your pjs on and you brushed your teeth, I’ve thought about it and I’ve changed my mind. We can read two stories.”

• “When you forgot to feed the dog, I was really frustrated, and I told you I was cancelling your playdate tomorrow. I’ve thought about it more and I’ve changed my mind. The playdate is on, but I need you to sit down with me and make a plan about how you’re going to remind yourself to feed the dog.”

• “You caught me off guard when you asked if you could drive to the Cape with your friend. I’ve thought about it and I realize that it was a knee jerk reaction when I said no. I’m willing to be flexible and give it serious consideration. Why don’t we find a time to talk so I can hear more about the logistics and your plan.”\

  
  

One of the social and emotional skills that I talked about last week is flexibility. Demonstrating the capacity to re-visit a situation, re-assess, and look at it from a different perspective is such a powerful way for parents to model flexibility for their children, and modeling flexibility is a great way for caregivers to support the development of this skill in their children. I have written in the past about how a parenting style that balances warmth and clear expectations is associated with many positive outcomes. Used judiciously, the strategy I’m describing today of explaining to your child that you have changed your mind can offer a nice balance of connection and structure.