October 6: A Simple Tool to Add to Your Parenting Toolbox

Now that most families have settled into their school year routines, a frequent topic of conversation in my practice is trouble-shooting times of day that are particularly challenging. As everyone reading this knows first-hand, often the most stressful times of day in family life arise around transitions: managing the morning routine and getting everyone out the door in a timely way; supporting tired, hungry, busy children after school; and/or managing bedtime rituals and routines.

Over the past week, I have spoken with several parents whose children have been displaying variable abilities to manage daily routines. That is, some days children are on-task, complying with expectations, brushing teeth, packing backpacks, and generally following the family plan, whereas other days they seem to be in their own world, requiring multiple reminders each step of the way and sometimes being straight up noncompliant. Addressing the reasons why children display this variability is beyond the scope of this newsletter. However, today I’m sharing a simple strategy to encourage children to engage in on-task behavior and to follow the family plan: low-key noticing.

To set the stage, I find it useful for parents to think about their attention as a spotlight. At any given moment, caregivers can ask themselves, ‘Where am I directing the spotlight of my attention right now?’ In a world in which our attention is being pulled in so many different directions, very often when children are doing what they are supposed to do or are peacefully occupied, parents direct the spotlight of their attention somewhere else. Low-key noticing involves bringing the spotlight of your attention to a child’s on-task behavior and then briefly using a calm tone of voice to describe what you are seeing. For example:

• “You hung your coat up on the hook.”

• “Looks like you remembered to pack your homework folder.”

• “You turned off your show the first time I asked you to.”

• “Thanks for clearing your dishes from the table.”

• “I see two brothers brushing their teeth after bath time.”

I realize that this description seems so simple that it hardly feels as though I am sharing a strategy. In fact, so often when children are meeting expectations, parents either fail to notice because things at home are calm and peaceful, or they decide not to call attention to these moments out of fear that bringing attention to on-task behavior will lead to a disruption. As one parent explained to me recently, “When things are going well, I feel like I don’t want to say anything because I might jinx it!”

On one hand, I completely understand the concept of not wanting to rock the boat when everyone is on track. However, I believe that low-key noticing is a useful strategy because caregivers are providing children with information about what is going well rather than solely calling out the times when children are not doing what they need to do. By being very clear about what we want children to do and providing calm commentary when they are meeting expectations, parents are providing important information and feedback about behavioral goals.

Last week a parent mentioned that when they use this strategy, they tend to pair their observations of their child’s behavior with an expression of gratitude such as: “Thanks for packing your backpack,” or “You gave your sister a turn. I appreciate that.” The focus of this strategy is on noticing what’s going well. If it feels most comfortable to pair your observation with expressing gratitude for your child staying on track, then certainly express yourself in the way that feels most genuine to you. Alternatively, please don’t feel that you have to thank your child if it feels sincere for you to simply notice and observe their behavior.

I want to be clear that it is neither realistic nor genuine to use this strategy constantly. That is simply not an honest reflection of how families communicate. However, when used in a thoughtful and genuine way as a strategy for providing your child with feedback about what is going well, low-key noticing is a useful tool to add to your parenting toolbox.