September 18: Managing After School Meltdowns

Over the past week I have heard from parents of children of all ages about struggles with emotion regulation at the end of the school day. Parents of children from preschool through middle school have shared concerns about children who come home at the end of the day and fall apart. For some, this looks like acting out behavior such as yelling or hitting siblings. Other children exhibit very low frustration tolerance or may be atypically weepy or whiny.

For many of the families in my practice, this uptick in challenging behavior at home stands in stark contrast to reports from school, where children are described as model citizens in the classroom – engaged, helpful, and well-regulated. While parents may feel relieved to know that their child is meeting behavioral expectations in the classroom, it can also feel frustrating and upsetting to be in a situation in which your child seems to be saving their most intense reactions for the end of the day when they will be spending time with their family.

How can parents best support a child who is having frequent episodes of melting down at the end of the school day? First, if your child is engaging in unsafe behavior such as hitting or throwing things, begin by setting a clear boundary around safety:

• “Halt. I won’t let you hit your brother, and I won’t let anyone hit you.”

• “Freeze. Blocks are for building – they are not for throwing.”

• “Stop. You can kick a soccer ball. I won’t let you kick a person.”

  
  

Depending on how your child is expressing dysregulation, starting with a safety boundary might not be necessary. However, it’s an important first step when children are physically out-of-control in a way that may compromise their own or someone else’s safety.  Bear in mind that, for young children, often a verbal boundary about safety needs to be accompanied by setting a physical boundary such as putting yourself in between your child and their sibling, taking away an object that a child has thrown or is about to throw, or helping your child take space.

Once the environment feels physically safe, focus on the emotion and express genuine empathy. Use words to succinctly describe the feelings your child is expressing:

• “You sound angry. I wonder if your body feels like a volcano that is exploding?”

• “That’s a lot of tears. Looks like you are feeling sad.”

• “It seems like you’re feeling so frustrated.”

  
  

Alternatively, if you know that your child reacts poorly when you talk about feelings, consider making a more general empathic statement, such as:

• “Things seem really hard right now.”

• “This is a difficult moment. I’m right here.”

• “Things are tough right now. I believe you.”

  
  

Once you have briefly expressed empathy, make a clear statement about boundaries with a focus on supporting coping and problem solving:

• “I hear that you’re frustrated. That voice is too loud for the kitchen. At our house kids can yell in the yard or the basement.”

• “I see two sisters who are playing together but have different plans about what to play. What ideas do you have for solving this problem?”

• “I understand that you’re upset. It’s ok to say, ‘I’m mad,’ but in this family we don’t call each other mean names.”

• “Looks like you’re having a lot of big feelings. I remember that you made a list of strategies to help yourself feel better. When you’re ready, let’s look at the list and you can make a choice.”

  
  

If your child has been dysregulated at the end of the school day, know that you are not alone. For many children and families, the first couple of weeks of the new school year can be both physically and emotionally demanding. As you think ahead to the weekend, try to prioritize some moments of rest and relaxation for all family members.