June 10: Managing Household Jobs and Responsibilities

In June, I often have conversations with children and parents in my practice about goal setting for the summer. This year in particular, a lot of caregivers are talking about how to support the development of independence in their children. Over the past couple of years, so much has been written about how adults should be monitoring children’s online activity more closely while offering them opportunities to function more autonomously in the real world. Often individuals giving advice about building independence focus on activities such as allowing children to walk or bike to a store or playground on their own. If your life circumstances are such that it works for your child to engage in these types of independent activities, that’s great. However, for many families, for many different reasons, allowing children out and about on their own isn’t realistic.

Another way to support the development of autonomy and self-efficacy is to hold the expectation that children will help with household jobs and responsibilities. Through helping with their own personal care, cooking, yard work, or laundry, children learn to be independent. Mastering a new task such as learning how to wipe a table clean without simply brushing the crumbs on the floor, make a quesadilla, or care for houseplants, supports the development of executive function skills. Learning to do something new and working diligently to master that task builds a sense of competence which in turn supports the development of resilience.

In order to help parents operationalize the goal of encouraging independence this summer, I’m sending this updated version of one of my most popular newsletters from a couple of years ago about managing household jobs and responsibilities. This is a great topic to write about prior to summer vacation.  Many families have a bit more breathing room once school is out, and parents can give some thought to further developing their family’s plan for delegating household tasks. Apologies for the longer than usual message – I have a lot to say on this topic.

In addition to supporting independence, there are so many good reasons to have children help around the house. As everyone reading this knows, managing a busy household takes a tremendous amount of time, effort, and energy. For practical reasons, it makes sense to tackle these responsibilities as a team: there is a lot to be done in a week to keep a household running smoothly, and it’s useful if everyone who is part of the household lends a helping hand. Asking all family members to contribute also makes sense from the standpoint of deepening family connections. When everyone works together to complete household tasks, the process of working towards a common goal strengthens family member’s sense of unity and reinforces the message that family members can rely on each other.   

When you talk with your child about helping with household jobs, be mindful of conveying a positive attitude:

• “Look at all these toys on the floor – kiddos had a lot of fun in this room!  Let’s put on some music while we straighten up.”

• “You got dressed all by yourself.  Looks like you’re feeling pretty proud.”

• “Thanks for clearing your dishes from the table.  I appreciate your help.”

• “Taking care of our houseplants is a big responsibility.  It’s cool that you’re old enough to help.  I’ll show you what to do, and then on Saturday afternoons we can water the houseplants together.”

• “Cooking a dish like chili might sound like a big job.  We’ll start by doing it together and then I’ll let you take over next time.”

Keep in mind that children often need ongoing help and support with household jobs.  When a child helps with adult assistance, this still counts as helping. 

Children thrive with structure and predictability, so whenever possible be clear about when your child is expected to help with a job (“Please put the dishes in the dishwasher before you go outside”) and set clear expectations about how one knows when a job is complete:

• “Once all the books are on the shelf and the trains are in the bin, this room will be all picked up.” 

• “Thanks for putting away your clean laundry.  Once your basket is empty, you’ll be finished with this job.”

How do parents know which jobs to assign to a child and when to assign them?  As with many topics in parenting, there is no single answer to these questions.  Your family’s plan regarding assigning household responsibilities will vary in accordance with the ages and developmental stages of your children, their temperaments, and what is realistic given your family’s unique circumstances at any given time. At the bottom of this message, I have included some ideas for jobs that might be suitable for children of different ages. This list is by no means exhaustive – it is simply meant to be used as a helpful tool to guide you in developing a realistic plan for your family. 

Remember that your child will not be able to complete a task as quickly or thoroughly as you would if you were doing it yourself. The goal is neither speed nor perfection.  Rather, we want to encourage children’s sense of self-efficacy and responsibility. If there is a task that you like done a particular way, I’d suggest you do that task yourself and assign a different task to your child. A humorous aside: when all three of my young adult children read that last sentence, the universal response was, “Oh, like how you always want to clean the kitchen counters yourself and never ask for help with that job!”

How do parents know when their child is ready to help out more around the house? When I am working with parents, as a rule of thumb I recommend that families consider adding a new task to their child’s list of responsibilities about twice a year. A simple way to do this is to schedule a reminder in your phone every 6 months to review your child’s household responsibilities and consider adding one new task. Keep in mind that some jobs will be daily tasks (for example, clearing dishes from the table, putting clothes in the hamper), some are weekly tasks (for example, emptying the bathroom trash), and some tasks, such as helping to rake leaves or clean the house before a holiday meal, will be seasonal. 

If you have not been expecting your children to complete household jobs, please don’t feel guilty and please try not to make your child feel bad that they haven’t been helping. If upon reading this you decide that you want your child to take on more responsibility at home, I’d recommend taking a collaborative approach. This might involve either talking one-on-one with your child or having a family meeting:

• “I know how much you like to bake. Over the summer I’d like you to learn to do some cooking so you can help make family meals. What ideas do you have about what you want to learn to cook?”

• “We have a problem for our team to solve. There is so much laundry and only one family member trying to do all of it. I’d like to come up with a system so that everyone in the family shares some of this big job.  What ideas does everyone have?” 

Often tweens and teens are so busy with school, extracurricular commitments, and homework that parents feel confused about how to set appropriate expectations about asking busy children to help. If you are in this situation, try to balance being realistic about the limits on your child’s time with holding them accountable for completing at least a few tasks that take a minimal amount of time such as clearing their dishes from the table or filling their own water bottle and packing it in their backpack. If your child has a very busy schedule, consider looking at the calendar with them and scheduling one or two 15-minute blocks a week for them to complete a specific task that takes a little more time such as putting away clean laundry or straightening their room. Teaching children to add these jobs to their calendar helps support the development of executive function skills. Over the summer when your child’s schedule is likely to be more open, consider asking your child to take on more responsibility such as by helping to cook dinner once a week, fold laundry, or water the vegetable garden.

Here are some ideas for age-appropriate household jobs and responsibilities. Please note that these are general guidelines: the appropriateness of a particular task can vary depending upon age, temperament, ability, and other factors. Also note that I am not suggesting that your child needs to do every task listed for their age. Pick one or two tasks to start and then, as described above, add a new task every 6 months or so.

Ages 2-3 (many of these tasks will be completed with adult support)

Put soiled clothes in hamper

Pick up and put away toys

Take own (unbreakable) dish/cup to sink

Select clothes from limited choices

Scrub fruits and vegetables with a brush

Pick up sticks in the yard

Ages 4-5 (often with adult support)

Get dressed

Hang coat and backpack on hook

Help unpack groceries

Tear lettuce

Wipe table with a sponge

Put placemats and/or napkins on the table

Clean up spills

Ages 6-7

Unload some items from the dishwasher

Fill water bottle

Empty wastebaskets

Set table

Water or spray houseplants

Sort dirty laundry into lights and darks

Dust furniture

Sort recycling

Pull weeds

Ages 8-10

Put away clean laundry

Feed pet

Make bed

Help write grocery list

Unload dishwasher

Sweep floors

Peel vegetables

Help pull weeds, water plants, rake leaves or shovel snow

Help wash car

Tweens and teens

Load dishwasher

Pack own snack/lunch

Pack own bag for sports or other activities

More involved pet care (grooming bathing, cleaning pet cage/crate/bed)

Strip bed and eventually change sheets

Vacuum

Cooking (with adult supervision as necessary)

Fold laundry and eventually do their own laundry

Care for garden/lawn (watering, weeding, eventually mowing)

Help with larger household jobs such as washing windows, cleaning gutters