May 12: Leading with Curiosity

Recently a parent asked me about how to respond when they are leaving an activity or event where their child has been smiling, laughing, and displaying other signs of enjoying themselves, and on the way home their child says something akin to, “Why did you even make me go to that. It was stupid,” or “I hated that _____ [playdate, activity, gathering]. I’m not going back there.” Often in a situation like this, caregivers are tempted to do one of two things. Either parents ask a lot of detailed questions to help them understand why their child’s takeaway from the experience seems to be so at odds with their behavior in the moment, or they disagree with their child’s statements, saying something such as, “But you looked like you were having so much fun.”

While I understand the impetus behind each of these approaches, caregivers often express frustration that neither of these methods results in a particularly satisfying conversation. Rather, these tactics may lead a child to double down and insist that they did, in fact, have a terrible time and that the parent simply doesn’t know what they are talking about.

An alternate approach to consider when a child is expressing feelings after-the-fact that don’t seem to match their behavior in the moment, is to lead with curiosity.  That is, in addition to attuning or reflecting back their child’s emotion (which I have written about before), parents can simply ask for more information and display a genuine interest in knowing more about the child’s perspective. For example:

• “I hear you saying you didn’t like the birthday party. Sounds like you’re disappointed. I’m curious to hear more.”

• “I’m noticing that you’re frustrated. So going to the park wasn’t fun today? Can you help me understand more about that?”

• “You’re using strong words about how much you didn’t like your playdate. Seems like you’re mad. Can you tell me two things you didn’t like about it? [pause and listen] Can you think of two things you did like?”

When a conversation gets stuck and both parent and child are digging in, it can be so useful to pause, take a breath, and shift your position from trying to teach or correct your child to trying to understand more about their perspective.

After expressing curiosity, parents might also want to share observations about their child’s behavior and to gently point out the ways that there seems to be a disconnect between what their child is reporting after-the-fact and their child’s behavior in the moment. Ideally, the process of sharing observations will be presented from a stance of trying to understand your child’s perspective as opposed to trying to tell them why what they are saying isn’t true. What might this look like?

• “I’m surprised to hear you say you didn’t like our visit to the farm because when we were there you kept saying, ‘I love this,’ when you were looking at the baby animals. Maybe you can tell me more about it after you finish your snack.”

• “You didn’t enjoy that playdate? That’s unexpected because whenever I looked in the playroom you and your friend were playing together and smiling. After you _____ [listen to an audiobook, spend some time building Legos] I’d like to hear more.”

• “I hear you saying that you don’t ever want to go back to that restaurant. I’m a little confused because you ate most of your food and when you were licking your fingers you told me that the tacos were delicious.”

  
  

The point here isn’t to simply contradict your child. That would be counterproductive and unhelpful. Rather, by injecting your observations into the conversation and expressing curiosity about the discrepancy between your child’s behavior and their comments after the fact, you can hopefullyhelp them incorporate a more balanced and complete view of their experience.

Most of us can relate to the feeling of leaving a fun event and feeling exhausted, drained, or cranky even if we’ve had a good time. By expressing curiosity, caregivers can both be respectful of the feelings that a child is expressing and support the development of important social emotional skills including self-awareness, flexible thinking, and the understanding of what it means to have mixed feelings. Finally, keep in mind that these conversations are likely to be most productive after your child has had taken a break and had time to re-set rather than trying to talk about a tricky topic right in the moment.