March 17: All-or-Nothing Thinking

Last October I sent a newsletter about thinking traps, which are patterns of distorted, negative thinking that can show up in a variety of ways and often lead to an increase in worry or sadness. That newsletter focused on the thinking trap of fortune telling. That is, jumping to conclusions about how behavior in the present will predict actions or behavior in the future. A thinking trap that has come up quite a bit recently in my practice is all-or-nothing thinking, or the tendency to see or interpret situations in extremes, as either all good or all bad, rather than acknowledging the vast gray area in between good and bad.

How does all-or-nothing thinking present? It may look like a younger child who sometimes has fun playing with a sibling and sometimes feels annoyed or fed-up with a sibling saying, “Being a big brother is the worst. I don’t like anything about it.” It may look like a middle school student who seems content every day at pick-up, chatting about what happened at school that day, but who at bedtime insists, “I hate everything about school.” Or it may look like a teenager who gets a poor grade on one test and declares, “I’m terrible at Latin. My teacher hates me. I’ll never be able to pass this class.”

So much of life involves gray areas, mixed feelings, and situations that evoke a variety of different reactions. When children (and adults) slip into all-or-nothing thinking, they become fixed on interpreting a situation as either totally positive or totally negative. If you have a child who is prone to all-or-nothing thinking, when you notice your child exhibiting this pattern, begin by reflecting back the feelings behind your child’s extreme statement. Starting with empathy and attunement promotes connection and helps your child see that you understand their perspective. From the examples above:

• “Sounds like you are really frustrated,” or “I hear that you’re fed up with this situation.”

• “You’re really feeling down about school this evening.”

• “You weren’t expecting to get that grade. Sounds like you’re feeling really negative about Latin class right now.”

Once you have expressed empathy, in a calm, neutral tone you can ask a question or share an observation to help elucidate another side of the situation. The goal is not to convince your child to adopt a different point of view. Rather, the hope is that by gently pointing out another perspective you can help you child see a situation from multiple sides rather than staying fixed on one way of looking at things. From the examples above:

• “Right now, you are thinking about all of the parts of being a big brother that feel hard. I’m remembering that this morning you and your sibling built a pillow fort. What was that like for you?”

• “I hear you saying that you hate school. I wonder if you can think of one part of school that you don’t hate quite as much?”

• “Sounds like you are feeling really down about Latin. When you’re ready, I’d be happy to talk with you about possible strategies for managing that situation.”

Another helpful strategy is to find a time outside the moment (when your child is not actively engaged in all-or-nothing thinking) to help your child practice thinking about situations from different perspectives. Depending on your child’s developmental level, you can take turns bringing up tricky situations such as:

• You had a plan to meet friends for a picnic but then it rained.

• Your favorite breakfast is Cheerios, and you wake up one morning and the box of Cheerios is empty.

• You were invited to a sleepover and your friend’s parent called to say your friend was sick and had to cancel.

• You worked really hard to decorate a cupcake, but you accidentally dropped it and it smashed on the floor.

As you talk about each situation, you can ask:

• What if a person could only see the worst parts of this situation? What might they say? How would that make them feel?

• What if the person tried to notice one or two parts of the situation that weren’t too bad? How would that make them feel?

• How much will this situation matter next week? What about next year?

When a person is engaged in all-or-nothing thinking they often speak in extremes, using words like always and never (“I had a disagreement with my friend and now they’ll never talk to me again,” or “This is so unfair. It always rains when we’re planning to go to the beach.”). These words can provide a warning sign to you and your child that they might be falling into a thinking trap and engaging in all-or-nothing thinking. During a calm moment, you and your child can work together to develop a script to disrupt the thinking trap, such as:

• “When I say ‘always’ or ‘never’ that means I might be in a thinking trap. I’m going to shake things up and try to look at this situation in a different way.”

• “I’m only seeing the worst part of things right now. I’m going to try and think of one part that isn’t so bad.”

• “This feels bad right now, but how much will it matter in one month? How about in one year?”

The ultimate goal is to help your child build the skill of being able to recognize thinking traps and to coach themselves to replace distorted thinking patterns with more realistic thoughts. It’s helpful to acknowledge that recognizing the pattern of all-or-nothing thinking is a skill that many adults are trying to master, as well. Practicing these skills during childhood and adolescence will build self-awareness and provide your child with tools that they will be able to use throughout their lives.