This week I have been reflecting on the challenges of parenting in times of transition or uncertainty. Coping with change can evoke a whole range of feelings from anxiety and helplessness to anticipation and curiosity. Many of the parents I have talked with in the past week are toggling between feeling distracted or finding it difficult to be present for their children and feeling grateful for the essential immediacy of parenting and the need to stay in the here and now.
In the midst of this time of uncertainty and change, my thoughts keep returning to the concept of breaking down situations into the parts that we can control and the parts that are out of our control. For parents of children of all ages, the present moment might be a logical time to spend some time thinking about the values that are most important to your family. Being intentional about the values that you highlight in your family is a way that parents can find some control during this time when many things may feel out of your control.
Some families like to frame this conversation in terms of creating a family mission statement or family philosophy, while others prefer to highlight individual values that they want to bring into the spotlight of their children’s attention. I have known families who write out a formal mission statement and post it in their home, and others who prefer to focus on informal conversations about guiding principles. Simply said, there are many ways to convey your belief system to your children and families will vary in how they approach this task.
At the bottom of this page I have included a list of values. While it is by no means exhaustive, this list will hopefully provide a good place for you to start the process of answering the question: what are the most important values that I want to teach my child(ren)? While many of the principles listed are appealing, to get started I recommend trying to identify the three to five values that are your top priority. If you are parenting with a partner, I’d suggest going through this exercise individually first and then coming together to discuss the values that are most central to each of you and how to integrate your ideas. If you already have a family mission statement you still may want to spend some time thinking about your answers to the following questions to consider:
How does our family communicate about the things that are important to us?
How do I model our family’s values both in the ways that I behave and in the ways that I talk about and process situations with my children?
What values are my children learning through exposure to screens and social media?
How can I process what my children see on screens so that they make sense of the world in a way that is consistent with our family's beliefs?
What values were taught or modeled for me in my childhood? Were my caregivers intentional about discussing values or was this more automatic and unspoken for them?
If you are parenting with a partner:
How is my family philosophy similar to that of my partner? How do we differ?
How can we work towards agreement or respect our differences – and how should we model or communicate this to our children?
Simply by using words that define important family beliefs, you give your children information about your family’s priorities, whether talking about your lives or discussing characters from books or media. For example:
“I noticed that you shared your popcorn with your brother. That was really generous.”
“I get that you’re tired but we said we would help our neighbors put away their trash and recycling bins so we need to do that. In our family we follow through on our commitments.”
“Tomorrow we’re going to bring dinner to our friend who has been sick. Helping people who need our support is important in our family.”
“Harry and Hermione are incredibly persistent in their quest to destroy the horcruxes.”
Having a clear sense of your family vision or mission can be particularly helpful when you talk with your children about events that are happening in the world. Whether you are discussing a bully on the playground or the behavior of public figures, you can frame these conversations through the lens of kindness, honesty, self-respect, or whatever values are of primary importance to you and your family. While this approach won’t provide you with answers in the moment, I hope you will find it to be a helpful frame as you navigate complicated conversations. In addition, I hope that spending time thinking about your vision for your family will offer an opportunity to focus your attention on a topic that is affirming and hopeful.
Authenticity
Compassion
Connectedness
Consideration
Courage
Creativity
Dependability
Drive
Empathy
Faith
Flexibility
Generosity
Gratitude
Honesty/Integrity
Independence
Kindness
Love of Learning
Loyalty
Modesty
Openness
Persistence
Pride
Reliability
Resilience
Respect
Self-control
Self-discipline
Self-reliance
Tolerance
Thoughtfulness
Willpower
Willingness to try new things
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