October 6 - Problem Solving, Part 2

After I sent my last newsletter I received a follow-up question from a reader. She asked whether it is realistic to expect a 5 year-old child to be able to engage in independent problem solving. This parent noted that when she encourages her child to solve problems on her own, her child becomes very frustrated. She wanted to know whether she was asking too much of her child and she also asked for tips for developing problem solving skills in a child of this age.

This question made me think about how hard it is to read general information about parenting or child development and then figure out how to calibrate it to your particular child. General developmental norms and guidelines can be very useful…and…it is so helpful and satisfying to talk about parenting with someone who truly knows and understands your individual child, whether that’s a partner, relative, friend, or clinician.

I have written before about the concept of be a student of your child. By this I mean get to know your child’s inborn temperament, patterns, and sensitivities. Try and consider your child’s traits and qualities without fear (“What if this means my child will never have friends?”) or judgement (“Is my child is less creative than other 9 year-olds?”). Imagine being an anthropologist and trying to simply describe your child’s habits, behavior patterns, likes, and dislikes.

In response to the question above, the parent’s description makes me think that at this point in her child’s development it would be helpful to work on building the skills of identifying and expressing feelings, tolerating frustration, and managing big emotions (all topics I have written about before and will continue to address in my newsletter). These are lifetime skills, and growing these abilities will take place over many years, throughout childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

In the meantime, in order to support the development of problem solving in young children, families can create an environment in which children are actively encouraged to participate in solving problems. Caregivers can also express confidence in a child’s ability to help solve problems. For example, if a family member is faced with a dilemma and it feels age appropriate to do so, ask your child to assist in developing a solution:

• “This is a tricky situation. If we work as a team, I’ll bet we can solve this problem together.”

• “The wind keeps knocking our bird feeders down. You’re good at solving problems. Do you have any ideas about what we should try to fix this?”

• “Hmm, this is a tough situation. Has anything like this ever happened before? What do you remember about how you solved the problem that time?”

• “I’m not sure how to _____. Do you have any ideas about how I can get started?”

In order to help young children develop their identity as a someone who is capable of solving problems, parents can make a point of noticing times that their child takes steps to solve a problem, even when the process doesn’t lead to a neat solution:

• “When the blocks wouldn’t fit in that bin, I noticed that you tried arranging them in a different way and that solved the problem.”

• “The books on your bookshelf kept falling over and then you had the good idea to use the rock that you painted to hold them up. Looks like you solved the problem.”

• “I hear you saying that it hasn’t worked yet, but I see you trying so many different ways to make a paper airplane that flies all the way across the room and lands upright. You’re trying lots of different solutions.”

Noticing even very small moments when a young child has worked at coming up with a solution to a tricky situation will help build that child’s sense of agency and will help them identify themselves as someone who is capable of managing challenging moments. Building the skill of independent problem solving takes time and practice and goes hand in hand with learning to manage frustration and build distress tolerance. More about those topics in future newsletters.

Finally, when one of my daughters proofread this newsletter she asked, “Is there a ‘too young’ age for any of this? Could these scripts be used for preschoolers, too?” Great question, and (within the context of knowing your particular child) my answer is a resounding yes, these strategies can absolutely be used with children as young as preschoolers.