September 9: Co-Regulation

For many families, the beginning of a new school year brings both excitement and nervous anticipation about all of the changes that happen in early September. We expect children to feel a wide array of emotions during this time of transition, and many children also exhibit increased emotional and/or behavioral dysregulation.

I have written before about helping your child build a toolbox of coping strategies to manage intense moments. Another powerful tool for supporting children who are experiencing big emotions is co-regulation, which means that one person (in this case, the caregiver) uses their calm nervous system to help another person (the child) settle their dysregulated nervous sytem.  Essentially, the adult supports the child who is experiencing stress or tension by letting them ‘borrow’ the adult’s calm nervous system as a way to help the child re-regulate.

Many people think of co-regulation as a strategy to use primarily with babies and small children. In fact, this is a strategy that can be used in different forms with children with a range of ages. Co-regulation can take many forms depending on the developmental stage of the child. For example:

• Offering gentle touch such as a hug, back rub, or hand squeeze.

• Rhythmic movement such as rocking, playing hand clapping games, or dancing.

• Humming or singing together.

• Breathing or doing a butterfly hug together.

• Sitting side-by-side and looking at a photo album together.

• Reading together, which can mean either reading to a child or sitting peacefully next to a child and each reading your own book.

• Listening to music or playing music together.

A key part of co-regulation is that the caregiver’s nervous system is calm and well-regulated. Realistically, this strategy won’t work in every moment because there are times when both adults and children are flooded with big emotions. This is totally understandable and simply part of the human experience. I have written before about how it is neither realistic nor helpful to expect yourself to be calm all the time. When you and your child are both dysregulated, an important first step is to use calming strategies to help yourself re-regulate.  Once your nervous system is more settled, you will be more available to support your child. If you have the capacity to talk out loud about the tools you are using to calm yourself, this can provide a powerful model for your child.

Similarly, it’s helpful to remember that co-regulation may not be the most effective strategy when your child is at the peak of an emotional meltdown. Some children may not be ready to receive support from a calm adult when they are at their most dysregulated. Rather, they may respond to co-regulation strategies more successfully when they are distressed but not completely falling apart. If you think of a meltdown as a child going from zero to sixty, this might mean offering a co-regulation strategy when your child is starting to fall apart but isn’t yet totally dysregulated. Or, it could mean trying a co-regulation strategy once your child has passed their peak of distress (sixty) and is starting to re-regulate.

If your child is not responding to active co-regulation strategies like breathing together, you can still offer your calm presence by sitting quietly near your child and offering a few brief words of support. Depending on the age and developmental stage of your child, you could consider engaging in a calm activity such as quietly reading aloud or drawing. This may or may not include a gentle invitation for your child to join you if/when they are ready:

• “This is a hard moment. I’m right here.”

• “I love you. When you’re ready for a hug, I’m here.”

• “I’m [reading/drawing] and there’s a seat right next to me.”

The long-term goal of co-regulation is to help children build self-awareness.  The hope is that over the course of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood individuals develop an understanding of the strategies work most effectively to re-set nervous their system. Co-regulation also teaches children the life lesson that, when you feel upset, connecting with someone who cares about you is a powerful tool that can provide support and relief.