September 22: Supporting Independent Problem Solving

Now that we’re a few weeks into the school year, some caregivers may notice that when their child gets off the bus or walks in the door at the end of the day they immediately download the most negative part(s) of their day. Children may report on circumstances as wide-ranging as a classmate saying something unkind, a situation in which they didn’t understand the directions for an assignment, or a time when they were paired with a non-preferred partner for a group project.

When a child shares a dilemma or describes a stressful situation to a caregiver, it may feel natural and almost automatic for the parent to respond by asking a lot of questions about the difficult situation and/or sharing thoughts, ideas, and solutions. This outpouring of information generally stems from a desire to be helpful and supportive. Many adults are highly verbal people who are accustomed to using language to process experiences and solve problems. In addition, caregivers know that they have more wisdom and life experience than their children so may feel compelled to offer advice and to take the lead in generating solutions to a problem.

In addition to wanting to actively support their children, most parents also have the goal of raising resilient children who are capable of solving problems independently. At times, balancing these goals my feel at odds with one another. When your child tells you about a tricky part of their day, a useful strategy is to pause for a moment and consider your options. Is this a time for you to be actively engaged in resolving a problem, or does this situation present an opportunity to express confidence in your child’s ability to engage in creative problem solving while you offer them your kind, loving presence without actively providing advice or solutions?

If the situation seems to lend itself to encouraging independent problem solving, caregivers can combine empathizing with a child’s distress or frustration while also supporting their independence. This approach essentially involves approaching conversations with calm curiosity. Adopting a stance of calm curiosity might mean summarizing what you heard from your child without adding your own thoughts or suggestions, or it might mean gently asking a clarifying question. These scripts provide examples of offering a caring presence while also expressing confidence in your child’s skills:

• “Sounds like you are in a tricky spot. What ideas do you have about solving the problem?”

• “It feels like everyone in your class except you has a dumpling squishy. Did I get that right?”

• “This is a hard situation, and I know that you’re someone who can do hard things.”

• “That does sound frustrating. What would you like to do next?”

• “Do you need to rant right now, or do you want to talk about solutions? I’m happy to just listen if you want to vent.”

• “I’m here and I’m listening.”

Setting an intention to meet your child with calm curiosity can be particularly helpful at times when your child says something that triggers strong emotions within you. When a child shares information that leads a caregiver to feel worried or upset, often adults respond with rapid fire questions, discussion, and advice. While this reaction is certainly understandable, it may not support productive communication. In fact, faced with a lot of concerned questions and advice from a caregiver, a child may shut down or withdraw.

At times when you are having a strong emotional reaction to something that your child is sharing, consider pausing for a moment and reminding yourself that this might be a time where calm curiosity would be the most useful approach. If you’re someone who has been used to taking an active role in solving problems in the past, making the choice to talk less when your child is frustrated or struggling might feel difficult. You can remind yourself:

• ‘Hearing about classmates being unkind upsets me, but this isn’t an emergency. I’m going to take a breath and try asking one clarifying question.’

• 'It feels awful when my child is upset, but talking a lot right now probably won’t help. I’m going to reflect back what my child is saying and see how that goes.’

• ‘Remember, talk less! I’ll just listen for now.’

  
  

It is neither realistic nor useful to approach every family conversation with a more curious, removed stance. Sometimes when your child shares distressing information it will be entirely appropriate to ask detailed questions to gather more information or to offer advice and suggestions. In other moments, taking a step back and reflecting what your child is saying or feeling can be a wonderful way to strengthen connection and support independent problem solving.