July 9: Talking With Children About the Disaster in Texas

While I typically don’t send a newsletter in July, I’m reaching out today to share thoughts about how to talk with children about the devastating floods in Texas.  The death of innocent people is always deeply upsetting. Feeling overwhelmed or distraught by the loss of life from the floods is understandable.  For many of the parents I have spoken with, it feels particularly horrifying that some of the victims are children who were attending summer camp. Note that most recipients of my newsletter live in New England, and families who live in or near Texas may require more targeted guidance than I am offering here.

Prior to having a conversation with your child about this tragedy, it's important to begin by thinking and talking about your own reaction to the situation. Try and find a sympathetic, caring adult to talk with about your feelings - a partner, family member, close friend, or therapist. I’m not suggesting that you should hide all of your emotions from your child.  For some people that may not feel realistic or possible.  Rather, I think it’s helpful to talk with another adult first so that when you speak with your child you are more settled and a bit more calm.  As I have said before, children take their emotional cues from the adults around them.  Therefore, if you are able to talk with your child at a time when you feel more settled, you will provide more space for your child to be able to speak openly about their own feelings and reactions.

Often when a tragedy occurs families ask me for help deciding whether or not to broach the topic with their children.  If you have a toddler or preschooler who has not been exposed to media and does not have contact with older children, you may not need to raise the topic at all.  I’d recommend observing your child’s behavior, play, and conversation to see if there are any indicators of increased anxiety or themes of disaster, which might indicate that your child was exposed to the news without your being aware of the exposure. 

If your young child has been exposed to information about the floods and loss of life, or if your child has observed you or other adults who are having strong reactions to the news, be honest about the fact that you are distressed and reassure your child that you are not upset with them and your reactions are not their fault:

• “I heard some news about something sad that happened far away.  You are safe and our family is safe.”

• “I’m having some big feelings right now.  I heard some sad news.  Even when I am upset I’m still here for your and I will still keep you safe.”

If your child is school-aged, begin by asking questions to get a sense of what your child knows and what they may have questions about.  If it feels easiest, you could start with a very general question such as, “Was anyone at camp talking about the news today?”

• If your child has some information, seek to clarify what they know so that you can provide age-appropriate facts and correct any misinformation. 

• For school-aged children, limit exposure to sensationalized media about the floods and loss of life as much as you can.

• That said, some children may be curious and have a lot of questions.  Consider finding a helpful article from a trusted news source that you can read together and discuss.  Common Sense Media has a list of recommended news sources for children.

• Encourage your child to ask questions and answer those questions directly.  If your child asks an upsetting question such as, “Did any children die?” remember that providing honest answers will build your child’s trust in the fact that they can count on you to be truthful even when talking about scary and upsetting topics.

• Focus on your child’s feelings:

o   “Kids might feel scared and upset about this.  Remember that my most important job is to keep you safe.”    

o   “Sounds like you felt really sad when your friend told you that some kids died.  I understand that you felt sad.  I will always do everything I can to keep you safe.”

If your child is in middle school or high school, it’s realistic to assume that they will have heard or read about this disaster.  When talking with tweens and teens:

• Ask about what your child has heard or read, ask about their feelings, and let them talk and process.  Focus on listening to your tween or teen without judgement.  Innocent loss of life is an upsetting topic and one of the most helpful things that parents can do emphasize connection and reassure adolescents that they do not need to process this information alone.

• Remind teens that doom scrolling social media about an upsetting topic can increase feelings of helplessness and distress.  Talk with your adolescent about the difference between acquiring factual information from a trusted news source and watching sensationalized social media posts.  If you struggle to limit your exposure to social media about upsetting topics, you may want to share that struggle with your teen to humanize the fact that this is an experience the two of you share.  Brainstorm together about how you can find a balance between being informed and taking a break from media.

o   “I understand that you want to stay informed, and I respect that.  Let’s talk about how you can balance staying informed with taking a break from upsetting content for a while each day.”

o   “Content about this flood is so upsetting and it can be hard to look away from it.  That’s how this content is designed – to keep people watching.  I want you to think about if you feel better or worse when you spend time looking at this content.”

• Emphasize with your child that TikTok is not a reliable source of news about most topics.

• Adolescents may feel helpless and distraught about many aspects of this tragedy.  While it’s important to acknowledge these feelings and to give your child space to express them, it is also helpful to support your child in directing their energy towards productive action.  That may mean volunteering for an organization or political candidate aligned with a cause that is important to them, such as an organization that works to ameliorate the effects of climate change, or brainstorming ways to raise money to make a donation to a cause that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Finally, remember that it is understandable if you or your child feel overwhelmed and distraught by this disaster.  Please be gentle with yourself and treat yourself and your child(ren) with kindness and compassion.