May 15: A Simple Script for Holding a Firm Boundary

Last month, I sent a newsletter describing strategies for managing moments when a parent sets a boundary and then changes their mind and decides to shift course. This week, as a companion piece, I’m going to share my favorite strategy for times when a parent wants to be very clear that a boundary is not going to change.

When you are faced with a situation in which you want to clearly communicate to your child that they have reached the bottom line, I recommend getting down to eye level; speaking in a calm, clear voice; and telling your child: “Look at my eyes, I am not changing my mind.

I love the simplicity of this strategy. This is a 10-word sentence that is easy to remember, even if you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s demands. I also love the fact that this is a strategy that you can use with children of any age. I have used this statement with a toddler who wanted more playtime before bedtime and with a teenager who wanted to sleepover at a friend’s house when the friend’s parents were out of town.

While saying, “look at my eyes, I am not changing my mind,” you can infuse your voice with sympathy to indicate that you understand your child’s frustration, anger, or disappointment. In addition, you can pair this sentence with an empathic comment to indicate that, while you are holding a firm boundary, you understand what your child is feeling. For example:

• “I understand that you’re disappointed. [pause] Look at my eyes, I am not changing my mind.”

• “I hear that you are so angry about this situation. Look at my eyes, I am not changing my mind.”

• “I realize this isn’t what you want to hear. I get that you’re frustrated. Look at my eyes, I am not changing my mind.”

Setting boundaries can feel complicated, particularly when emotions are running high for children and parents. I hope this straightforward script will become a useful tool for your parenting toolbox.